CHAPTER 10

SOMETIMES I WONDER

Inquisitive1

CHAPTER 10

MONTH LATER: DORM

Rory walks the quad lost in thought

"Rory"

Rory starts out of her thoughts looking up to see Dean outside her building, "Dean what are you doing here?"

"I wanted to talk to you. Have a minute."

"No. I have a lot going on Dean. Besides don't you have your wife at home?" Rory snaps moving around Dean.

"Rory" Dean grabs her arm.

"Dean let me go." Rory hisses trying to pull her arm out of his grasp.

"Rory come on can we talk"

"I believe she said let go." A voice says

Hearing the lightly accented voice Rory looks over to see a dark haired man

"Who are you?" Dean demands

"My employer would not take well to you manhandling his girl."

"Dean just go." Rory pulls her arm out of his grasp.

"Rory"

"I swear Dean if you don't leave I will call Lindsey and tell her you came here. And right now there is one person here who can say you approached me."

"Fine." Dean walks away.

Rory looks at the man, "How long have you been watching me?"

"On and off for over a month. My name is Simon."

"I don't need someone watching me."

"They don't interfere... I only do when it is needed."

"Look if you mention Dean being here he will not be happy."

"I know. He is quite protective of you."

"Just don't tell him. I don't need trouble from Lindsey accusing me of things that didn't happen."

Simon nods "Whatever you want."

"Thanks. I have to get to some work." Rory removes her keys unlocking the door she enters the building.

HOUR LATER: JET

"Where is she? I should be there in a few hours. Thank you." Sark hangs up then dials another number.

"Hi"

Sark frowns hearing her tone, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Where are you?"

"On my way to town. I managed to convince Jack to let me have the weekend off."

"Oh"

"Don't sound happy about that"

"Long day. Talk later?"

"Sure." Sark says puzzled at her tone. "I will be there in a while."

"'k"

HOUR LATER: TOWNHOUSE

Sark enters the master bedroom to find Rory sitting on the oversized chair staring out the window. "Rory"

Rory looks up, "Hi" she says morosely.

"I need a shower first then we'll talk OK? I haven't had a shower yet today."

Rory nods

Sark unbuttons his shirt tossing it in the hamper in the closet as he secures his gun in the gun safe. He enters the bathroom frowning when he notices, what he realizes quickly is a pregnancy test. "Rory" he calls a moment later then steps out of the bathroom to find Rory still sitting in the chair her knees pulled to her chest as she stares out the window. "Rory" he walks over to the chair crouching before her "are you..."

Rory nods

Sark closes his eyes, "How long have you suspected?"

"Few days." Rory answers softly her voice cracking.

"Why didn't you say anything earlier?"

"What was I supposed to say Julian? 'Oh hi honey. How are you? By the way I think I'm pregnant.'" Rory says sarcastically tears filling her eyes.

"Rory" Sark watches as she starts to cry then pulls her close.

Rory buries her face in his shoulder her arms around his neck.

"Shh" He shifts lifting Rory he takes her place in the chair. 'This is not good.' He presses his lips to her hair.

Rory burrows into his embrace

LATER

Kissing Rory's forehead Sark speaks, "Are we going to discuss this?"

Rory shrugs

"Rory" Sark strokes her cheek "we need too"

"I know" Rory sighs "can it wait? I just... I want to sleep."

Sark nods "We will talk in the morning."

NEXT MORNING

Rory closes her eyes feeling her husband stroke her cheek with his thumb

"Have you talked to Lorelai yet?"

Rory shakes her head

"Why not?"

Rory shrugs

Sark exhales heavily, "Rory silence isn't going to keep this conversation from happening."

"I know." Rory moves close tucking her head under his chin. "What am I supposed to do?" She whispers

"What do you want to do?"

"I don't know." She mumbles

"Do you want to have it or not?"

Rory lifts her shoulder "What's your preference?"

"Its not my decision to make Rory."

"I may be the one who's pregnant but it is half you." Rory points out. "And don't give me that crap about it being only my choice." She sits up pulling her knees to her chest.

Sark takes a deep breath sitting up he wraps his arms around her kissing her shoulder, "Rory"

"Part of me does want to have it."

"But" Sark prompts

"I can't"

"If that is what you want."

"What other choice is there? I mean you are in Los Angeles... I'm here. You obviously can't move here."

"And you won't move to Los Angeles." He absently rubs her arm as he kisses her head. "If this is what you want"

"I don't but we're not ready." She swallows heavily "I called the clinic and made the appointment." She gets out of bed heading to the bathroom leaving Sark to stare after her.

COUPLE HOURS LATER

"Rory what is this?" Sark demands when he notices a bruise in the form of fingerprints on her upper arm.

"Its nothing."

"Rory" he says firmly

Rory shrugs "It was an accident."

"Who grabbed you?" He demands

Rory looks down

"Rory" he tilts her chin up, "Who?"

"Dean" she whispers then winces at his expression.

Sark steps away from Rory heading to the bedroom.

"Julian" Rory follows him "its just a bruise."

"He shouldn't have touched you." Sark pulls on his shirt "He hurt you"

"Julian just leave it alone."

"I told you Rory if he ever even slightly hurt you"

Rory grabs his wrist "Leave it alone."

"He could have done worse."

"He wouldn't hurt me on purpose. He wanted to talk but I was in a hurry."

"He shouldn't have even touched you."

"Just leave it alone... please" Rory pleads

At her plea Sark stops relenting in his need to return the injury, "Fine... but if he touches you again" he trails off

Rory steps into his arms

Sark wraps his arms around her kissing her head.

'I have to do this... we aren't ready to be parents.'

"Rory are you sure about this?" Sark questions after a few minutes of standing in silence.

"No" Rory sniffles

"You haven't told Lorelai have you?"

Rory shakes her head, "I know what she'd say. She would turn it into being about her. I don't think I can handle Lorelai drama right now."

"It is your choice to tell her." Sark kisses her head. "If you aren't sure about this Rory..."

Rory pulls back looking at him, "There's no other choice. We can't have a baby when we barely see each other. You can't quit your job... and I can't leave my family."

"I want you to be sure Rory." Sark whispers

"I am." She whispers "As sure as I can be." She steps out of his arms walking out of the bedroom.

Sark stares after her 'She won't change her mind.'

LATE EVENING

"What would you like for dinner?" Sark inquires as Rory lies on the living room couch.

"I'm not hungry."

"Rory" Sark sits on the edge of the couch, "You didn't eat breakfast or lunch... you need to eat something." He brushes her hair back.

"You haven't said anything since we came home."

"I know if you want to talk about it you will." Sark reasons as he brushes her hair back. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Rory shakes her head.

"When you do we will." He kisses her forehead. "Now you need to eat. What would you like?"

"Grilled cheese?"

"Alright. Anything else?"

Rory shakes her head

"Alright grilled cheese it is." Sark kisses her forehead then stands walking into the kitchen.

HALF HOUR LATER

Rory rests her head on Sark's chest as they lie on the couch together watching a movie. "Julian"

"Hmm"

"I do want kids... one day."

"I know." He kisses her head. "When we're ready and I am able to give you a normal life we will if you want."

"Is that going to happen?" Rory inquires as she lifts her head to look at him. "Can you walk away from all of that?"

"I doubt I will be able to leave for good... but I promise it won't be full time or as dangerous as it has been."

"Will we have normal?"

"My agreement was until we bring down all members of the Covenant, Alliance, and all of Irina's former associates."

"What then?"

"As long as I behave I will have my freedom... with stipulations."

"Like what?"

"No access to large amounts of money. No association with former associates... friendly or not. No association with Irina. I will not be allowed to come and go as I please. I'm better my tracker will become more... permanent and with deadly implications."

"Oh"

"I don't regret my choice Rory." He says firmly.

"I know." Rory smiles faintly before returning her head to his chest. "I love you Julian."

"I love you too Rory." He kisses her head, "I promise... one day things will be better. We won't have to hide."

"I know."

"Everything will work out." Sark promises. "I will give you the life you deserve."

AFTER MIDNIGHT

Sark reaches for Rory frowning when he realizes the bed is empty. He turns his head to find Rory sitting in the overstuffed leather chair with a lamp on her journal open on her lap. He watches her sensing her deep thoughts as she writes

'Part of me says it was the best thing to do... but the part of me says it wasn't. Which side of me is protesting? I know the maternal side isn't at odds with my decision... I think it actually agrees with what I did. We couldn't have raised a child like this... being apart... his job... school.

But part of me the side that points out Mom and Dad had me says I did a stupid thing. I know we could have worked things out... we might have been able to compromise... but compromise doesn't work for kids does it?

I do feel some guilt though... how can I not? It was part of us. I won't get into the whole life from conception issue... I can't... I'm afraid that if I do get into that debate I will feel even worse.

Julian is being very... distant about this. I know it has nothing to do with my decision... its having to do with him wanting me to feel... comfortable. But I do wonder what he would have said if I had decided to go through with it... would he have protested? Or accepted?'

She stops writing staring at her journal lost in thought.

"Darling"

Rory looks towards the bed to see Sark is awake

"Its late. What are you doing up?" He questions as he stands he walks over to where Rory is sitting and sits on the footstool.

"I couldn't sleep... and I didn't want to wake you." Rory shrugs

"Next time wake me." Sark runs his hands over his face.

"You looked all peaceful." Rory sets her journal on the table. "I know you don't get much sleep when you're working."

"One of the hazards of being a spy." Sark shrugs "Truth is, here is the only time I feel... like I can sleep. Like here is the only place I feel normal."

"What if I had said I wanted to go through with the pregnancy?"

"I don't know." Sark admits

"Would you have tried talking me into having an abortion?"

"I really don't know Rory. Part of me says no... part of me says yes."

"Fifty fifty?"

Sark nods leaning forward he rests his arms on his knees "I admit the part of me that wants to give you the whole normal life would have jumped for joy at the idea of having a child. But my other side... would have protested because of the dangers of what I am right now. I'm not free to give you a normal life you want. But I promise it will happen."

"I know"

Sark stands leaning down he kisses her forehead. "I love you"

"I love you too."

"Ready to go back to bed?"

Rory nods starting to stand only to have Sark pick her up.

Sark shifts Rory in his arms turning off the lamp he carries her over to the bed. As they settle in bed Sark pulls her close, "Go back to sleep my love."

Rory drifts off to sleep feeling safe and content in her husband's arms. 'This is where I belong.'

Sark kisses her head one last time before following her into sleep.

NEXT MORNING

Sark smiles seeing Rory curled up in bed watching a cartoon, "What are you watching?"

"Aladdin. One of the best Disney movies made." Rory replies "The Genie always makes me laugh... so does Apu."

"Apu?"

"The monkey. Never can understand what he says but still... makes me laugh."

"Ahh" Sark joins her in bed.

"Where did you go?"

"I went for a run. Do you want breakfast?"

"Not yet." Rory snuggles against him her eyes on the movie.

"You constantly surprise me."

"Good... makes things interesting."

HOUR LATER

Rory smiles watching Sark move around the kitchen making breakfast. "You do realize cooking is going to be your job around here?"

"I kind of figured that." Sark laughs

"Not my fault I can't cook... blame Mom. She raised me on PopTarts, coffee, pizza, and Luke's. The few times we even attempted to cook... were disastrous." Rory laughs

"I bet." Sark agrees

"Blame my Grandparents... she was raised with housekeepers and cooks so she never had to learn how to cook."

"I have no problem with cooking... helps me relax."

"Well then you can have it... cooking would stress me out." Rory says just as the doorbell rings. "I'll get that"

"Rory"

"I feel fine." Rory assures kissing his cheek as she walks out of the kitchen. She opens the door to find Dean standing on the doorstep, "What are you doing here?" She asks stepping out onto the porch, "How did you find me?"

"Paris. Only after I promised to leave you alone after we talked."

"Dean don't alright. I don't want to talk to you."

"I wanted to apologize for everything that's happened. I have let Lindsey believe whatever she wanted... and let her accuse you of everything"

Sark frowns when Rory doesn't return to the kitchen. Realizing breakfast is ready Sark turns off the stove making his way to the front door, "Rory" he reaches the door to find Rory talking to Dean. "Forrester." He says coldly

Rory looks at Sark seeing the rage and disgust in his eyes, "You promised." She reminds him.

Sark nods "Fine." He kisses her head glaring at Dean, "Touch her and your arm will no longer be attached to your body." He turns walking back into the house.

"Is he always like this?"

"Only when he thinks people have hurt me." Rory answers as she crosses her arms over her chest.

"I'm sorry about that Rory. I never"

"You should have thought about that the day you told me you were going to marry her. Should have thought about that the day you invited me and Mom to the wedding. Or the night you beat the crap out of Jess because you were jealous."

"I wasn't jealous"

"Even if you weren't jealous you beat up my boyfriend... just because he and I got into an argument that was none of your business." Rory points out

"Let me remind you he did cause a car accident"

"The word being accident" Rory points out "And why are you apologizing now? You never have before."

"I've had enough of her jealousy... I filed for divorce."

"And you came here now why? Apologizes are late for everything Dean. Apologizes are deserved when the event happens. And that's pretty heartless of you to file for divorce when she's pregnant."

Dean shrugs "I had planned to file before she became pregnant. I thought she would relax but she is still on me... she still gets on my case. I even talk to Lane she accuses me of cheating on her." Dean sighs, "I screwed things up but I did what she wanted and she can't get over it."

Rory shakes her head, "You've become incredibly heartless. The Dean I remember wouldn't have hurt anyone... no matter how angry or hurt he was." She takes a deep breath, "Good bye Dean." She walks into the house closing the door. She takes a deep breath heading back to the kitchen where she finds Sark pouring drinks. "Breakfast smells good." She steps up to him her arms going around his waist.

"What did he want?"

"To apologize for everything Lindsey's said or done over the years. But his apology is late."

"At least he did"

"He also wanted to tell me he filed for divorce."

Sark frowns "Isn't she pregnant?"

Rory nods "I told him that's pretty heartless to do. Enough about Dean and that craziness... I'm hungry."

"Good." Sark kisses her forehead.

"Thanks for not overreacting when you saw him."

"I promised that I wouldn't hurt him."

"I know... but thanks."

LATER

Rory smiles feeling Sark kiss her head, 'God I love this man.' She burrows close

Sark tightens his arms around Rory, 'This is my heart and soul... no one will take her from me.' Just than the comfortable silence is disturbed as a phone rings, "Yours?"

Rory nods "Probably Mom. I'll call her later."

"Are you sure?"

"Mmm. I really don't want to deal with Lorelai drama right now."

"Just call her later."

"I will." Rory promises "Its almost summer vacation."

"I know. Do you still plan to come to Los Angeles?"

"Yes."

"Good." He runs his fingers through her hair. "What would you like to do while in LA?"

"I'm not sure. Mostly I want an actual vacation. I haven't had an actual lazy summer vacation since before Chilton."

"And what is your idea of a lazy vacation?"

"Doing whatever I want."

"Well that can be done." Sark kisses her head.

"But mostly I want to spend time with you."

"Even if it means I'm gone for days at a time?"

"I can handle it."

"What are you going to do when I'm not around?" Sark inquires

"Read. Sleep."

"See your ex?"

"I don't know." Rory snuggles closer. "I mean Jess and I always had fun. And he's as sarcastic as me and Mom."

"But?"

"The last time we saw each other we had a fight."

"You miss him."

"I admit there are times I do. We could talk about books... movies... everything. Things with Jess were always... comfortable. He never pressured me to admit feelings... or anything else."

"And Dean?"

"The first time he ever told me he loved me... we ended up breaking up."

"Oh yes I forgot about that."

"As much as Dean and I didn't fight... Jess and I did. Even if I did decide to call Jess, he probably wouldn't want to talk to me. He's known for grudges."

"Against you? I can't believe that."

Rory laughs "Nice." She lifts her head, "Why did you ask me if I was going to see him?"

"You said he lives in LA. Besides I thought you would want to see a friend."

"And if I did see him... what would you say?"

"As long as he keeps his hands off what's mine... I have no problem with him." Sark kisses her gently.

Rory kisses him back and soon the kiss deepens.

Sark reluctantly breaks the passionate kiss, "We can't." he says with a groan

Rory flinches "I know." She rests her head on his shoulder nuzzling his neck ignoring the tears that have fallen.

Sark tightens his arms around her as he feels her body shake in silent tears. He presses his lips to her head, 'Mourn my love... for mourning will help you move on.'

EVENING

"What" Rory laughs when she sees Sark holding her foot in one hand and a bottle of nail polish in his other hand, "What are you doing?"

"Amusing myself." Sark grins at her before starting to paint her toenails.

"Done this before?"

Sark shrugs "Alison" he winces at the mention of his former lover. "She used to talk me into it." He laughs

"And how did she manage to talk you into painting her toenails?"

"We were usually drunk by then." He shrugs

"Do you miss her?"

"There are times I wish she was still around." Sark admits

"What was she like?"

"You wouldn't have liked her darling."

"Why not?"

Sark pauses in his work choosing his words carefully, "She was vicious... cruel. And she had an intense jealous streak... even if we were never loyal to each other she would still get jealous about women I met not involved with work."

"Oh"

"She'd bloody hate you." Sark muses. "She would see you as much of a threat as she saw Sydney to be."

Rory watches his slow, steady movements "Is that why she tried to kill Sydney?"

Sark nods, "It was her order. If Sydney hadn't figured out Ali wasn't Francie... she would be dead. I tried talking her out of it... she wouldn't listen."

"What happened to her?"

"Sydney's friend killed her. I had mourned her once... I couldn't do it twice."

"Did you love her?"

"As much as I could; considering what we were and all that had happened in our lives together and apart." He shrugs continuing to paint her toenails.

Rory sits there watching as he works with meticulously. "What else don't I know about you?"

"You know all that is relevant."

"What about what you don't think is relevant?"

"Only what would give you nightmares."

"Hello watched Friday the 13th at the age of eight."

Sark looks at her amused, "Movies and real life are quite different darling."

"I know" Rory huffs "Its just you never say much about it."

"Not much to say." Sark replies glancing at her briefly. "I killed, I stole, I destroyed all who stood in my way."

"Why?"

"It was how I was raised... all I knew." Sark shrugs

"What about when you were a boy... what did you dream of being?"

"Anything other than Lazarey," He laughs dryly "But that went to hell. In the end I became just like him."

"What was he like?"

"Cruel... brillant... sadistic... manipulative." Sark answers "A lousy father... hell a lousy person."

"What about your Mom?"

Sark stills for a moment before replying, "I don't really remember much about her." Sark pauses "She died before my fifth birthday."

"Oh."

"A few months after she died... I was banished to school."

"And you hated it."

Sark nods moving onto her other foot. "I was around other children who were as smart as I was so that was a bonus."

"So what were you... loner, jock, nerd, or bully?"

"All." Sark says after a moment of thought.

"All huh?"

"It depended on my mood. For days I could be buried in books and ignoring all around me. Other days I could spend outside playing sports. And there were times I was a bully."

"I was always the nerd. Even when I was little I always had a book with me." She giggles as his fingers brush the underside of her foot. "Be careful. Ticklish feet here."

"Sorry darling." He kisses the top of her foot before going back to work.

Rory watches him smiling at his intense expression, 'He's so cute when he's thinking.' "Wonder what people would think if they knew you painted my toenails?"

Sark snickers "They would think I was even crazier than they already believe."

"Crazy is someone who decides they want the biggest pizza ever... regardless of Kirk getting cheese burns."

"Your Mother?"

"Of course. Then there was the time she decided all she wanted to eat on her birthday was chocolate. That didn't end well... she ended up so sick that she swore off chocolate for two days."

Sark looks at Rory amused, "Must have been the longest two days of her life."

"Mmm. Then the Founders Day punch last year." Rory giggles. "Now that was funny. She ended up dancing on top of tables... and kissed Kirk."

"Now that is funny." Sark chuckles

"Mmm. My Mom is amusing." Rory agrees. "Once we stole a gnome from Taylor's yard."

"What did you do with it?"

"We talked Luke into putting it on top of the church. He almost fell off the roof." She giggles at the memory. "Anyway Taylor paid Kirk to get the gnome down... Kirk ended up getting stuck on the roof and they had to call the Fire Department to get him down."

"I can believe it." Sark smiles "There" he finishes with her last toe putting the cap back on.

Rory smiles looking at his handiwork, "Nice"

Sark kisses her "Don't ruin my hard work." He rolls off the bed heading into the bathroom.

Rory looks at her toes then smiles at Sark as he joins her. 'He's something else.' She thinks as he kisses her temple.

LATE SUNDAY MORNING

Feeling Sark kiss her head Rory lifts her head and smiles

"You've been staring out the window for a while." Sark states as he sits on the footstool.

Rory shrugs "Just thinking."

"About?"

Rory glances at him then looks back out the window, "Everything that has happened this last year."

"And?"

"I don't know... I was just thinking about it." Rory tilts her head, "What have you been doing?"

"Some work." Sark shrugs

"Oh" Rory says sadly.

"What's wrong?"

"Its Sunday."

"Hey I'm going to be back in a few weeks and then we will have a lot of time to spend together." He stands carefully picking Rory up he takes her place on the chair. "No having to avoid this" he lifts her hand to look at her ring. "Well for the most part."

"Who knows about me?"

"Only those I work with directly... and Irina." Sark kisses her shoulder. "All the ones who know about you know what I would do if any harm came to you... and add Jack into the mix." He chuckles "All would run scared if they crossed me... then add Jack and Irina... someone would be better off taking their own life rather than crossing them."

"Are you getting along with your Dad?"

"We're the same as we've always been. He threatens to send me to lock up just to keep me in line... I guess that is his way of punishing me when I do something that annoys him."

"Maybe in some way he is trying to make up for the past." Rory suggests

"Perhaps but" Sark muses, "we will never be the 'happy family.' There is too much bad blood between all of us. And if Sydney marries Boy Scout... there will be even more tension."

"Do you think she would marry him?"

"I have no idea. I hope not but" Sark shrugs "Sydney has always done what she wanted."

"When I was little I wanted siblings." Rory admits

"I think every only child wants a sibling growing up." Sark muses

"But I admit I love being an only child. I always had Mom's attention... and Dad's when he was around."

"I just wanted someone else around." Sark remarks

Rory nods "So now that you have siblings"

"Drive me bloody crazy. Sydney always thinks she has the right to know what I'm up too. Nadia leaves me alone for the most part."

"Isn't that what siblings are supposed to be like?"

"They say so but then again we all grew up believing we were only children."

"Good point."

"We try to get along but Vaughn accusing me of doing something whenever something goes wrong... doesn't help."

"I bet."

"Sydney and I have always worked well together... we just don't get along outside of the field."

"What about Nadia?"

"We get along fine in the field and out. We have no history with each other unlike Sydney and I." He kisses her head.

"Oh" Rory snuggles close

Sark tightens his arms around her, 'One day I will never have to leave her.'

LATE AFTERNOON

"I will see you in a few weeks... if not sooner."

Rory nods

"Rory" Sark begins his voice showing his uncertainty

"I really don't want to talk about it."

"We should... one day."

"I know" Rory smiles sadly "one day."

Sark watches as a tear falls down her cheek and he gently brushes it away with his thumb. "When you do"

Rory nods "You better go." She kisses him lightly. "I love you"

"I love you as well." Sark grabs his back and walks out the door leaving Rory in the foyer.

Rory watches as his car pulls out of the driveway. 'I made the right decision. I can barely stand seeing him leave... with a baby it would have put even more pressure on us. It wouldn't have been fair to anyone... especially a child. When we're ready... we'll have one.'

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